Several articles have been written - and I myself have written a lot on the subject - on how to recognize a toxic relationship, what are the signs of discomfort linked to relationships in which dysfunctional behaviors such as manipulation, lies, oppression or violence, psychological and physical, prevail on why it is important to leave a sick relationship.
However, the question I always hear myself asked, at the end of the journey in which I have acquired awareness of the state of the relationship, is always the same: " I know that I want to put an end to this relationship because it hurts me, but how do I go about it?"
A VERY SHORT PREAMBLE
Before continuing I would like to make a brief but important specification: that is, remember to discern when the best thing to do is to end the relationship. Relationships of all kinds are naturally subject to ups and downs and can sometimes be really difficult to navigate; we accept the fact that there are also difficult moments, because relationships between people involve the interaction of numerous variables that are not under our control. We can learn from critical moments to be better people and to interact in a healthier and more functional way, making the relationship more solid and deeper.
Ending a relationship, therefore, is not always the first thing to do: many times it can be useful to work on dialogue, on mutual expectations or on the construction of new balances, more suitable for the changes that inevitably occur in our lives and indirectly also modify ours. relations.
However, there are cases in which letting go and ending the relationship undoubtedly remains the best thing to do: these are relationships in which uneasiness, anger, resentment, lack of respect and lies prevail, where toxic behaviors reign and violent. In these cases, the price you pay for staying together is too high and your psychological and physical health, as well as your quality of life, is affected. These are the relationships best left behind.
IT WILL NOT BE PAINLESS
I'll be honest: leaving a person with whom you have spent part of your life, built a family or simply with whom you have strong feelings IS NOT EASY AND IT IS NOT PAINLESS .
However, it is a pain destined to lighten and become less severe over time. We must have faith in the fact that, as we build new habits, greater serenity, new care for ourselves as an autonomous and independent person and no longer tied to the satisfaction of other people's expectations, this pain will also slowly become less overwhelming, and at in its place the bud of a new life will be born and grow: bringing with it the joy that comes from knowing oneself to be free and capable of acting for one's own true good , of being able to open oneself up to life again with the curiosity to see what will come and the confidence to choose what is best for us. So the first thing to do is to accept the fact that, in the transition, you will experience pain, confusion, doubt, lack, fear... These feelings are naturally part of the process of breaking up and detachment from the other and from the relationship.
Many people are afraid of being alone or of making a mistake in making such an important decision, especially when it comes to long-term relationships; when you experience these fears and all the feelings, turmoil and thoughts that accompany them, it is difficult to remain clear and rational and it is therefore very important to remind yourself of the profound reasons that motivated the decision to end the relationship. It may be useful in these cases to write a list of these reasons, giving pride of place to those linked to the discomfort you have experienced and the price you have paid and would pay even more to stay together.
IF YOU HAVE MADE UP YOUR MIND TO END THE RELATIONSHIP
If your assessments lead you to understand that the best thing to do is to end the relationship, you need to know that you will go through difficult times and that this will be completely natural. It will be natural to feel discouragement, nostalgia, fear or sadness alternating with anger, doubt, moments in which it will seem that going back is the best thing to do.
You will alternate between certainties and doubts about the goodness of your choice and the extent of your personal responsibilities in the progress of the relationship and perhaps feelings of guilt will grip you, making you believe that it is all your fault that things went this way. In reality, in every relationship responsibilities are shared and if things go wrong for a long time, both partners have their share of responsibility, some for one reason, some for another.
1) ACCEPT ALL YOUR FEELINGS.
Feelings cannot be canceled or controlled. If you have loved someone and still have deep feelings towards them, there is no point in hiding it from yourself. Take note of it and admit it but don't fall into the trap of the mind that tells you "if there is love we have to get back together". In fact, loving someone is not enough to maintain a relationship nor does it represent a guarantee of the success of the relationship because loving each other - if we can talk about love - does not automatically mean that things in the relationship will go well.
It will take you some time to accept that you can love someone even though the relationship turned out to be disastrous; allow yourself to feel all the emotions and feelings you are experiencing and allow them to have space and understanding. Accept them, give them the right name and remember: a toxic relationship, no matter how based on a deep feeling, can never bring health and true good into your life.
Having a feeling or emotion doesn't mean you have to act on it. So let them flow naturally in your consciousness without denying them and without trying to block or cancel them: being Mindful means knowing how to look at yourself for what you are and what you feel in every moment without wanting to change, judge or fight but simply letting it be. This will allow you to welcome your suffering and through it get to know yourself better, become stronger and build a solid foundation for freedom and profound well-being.
2) REMEMBER THAT IT TAKES TIME.
Processing the end of a relationship is like mourning: it is a process that takes time to complete. We don't know how long it will take and we cannot forcibly shorten the time required for its processing. These are deep emotional aspects over which you have no control.
It is important not to want to rush things at all costs, adopting counterproductive attitudes such as immediately jumping into one or more new relationships; this attitude would make things less painful immediately but, as time passes, we would find ourselves dealing with a dull, underground suffering that we have not processed and which can emerge through a dull malaise or apparently unmotivated feelings of fear.
3) LET A NEW SPACE BE CREATED.
In moments of suffering linked to the end of a relationship, a thousand emotions and thoughts emerge: the pain of separation, the fear of loneliness, the fear of having made a mistake, feelings of guilt, nostalgia, fear of no longer being able to be happy without that person. And so on. In these moments it is really difficult to remain clear and firm in the decision made for one's own good. But, once again, remember that it is a question of time: hour after hour, day after day, week after week you will notice that this pain gradually fades away, and in its place new mental and emotional spaces appear, within which you will experience unexpected sensations and emotions of freedom, trust, curiosity, inner strength, coherence and joy.
Everyone has their own times and it is not possible to predict when and how this evolution will make its appearance but be confident because, if you remain strong and in your decision long enough, the reward will be truly rich and will give you inner strength and awareness new ones, which will remain with you forever and will ensure that your future choices are wiser and in harmony with your true good.
4) TALK ABOUT IT WITH THE RIGHT PEOPLE.
Even though it's sometimes difficult or embarrassing to talk about what happened or why you ended the relationship out of fear of what others might think, it's important not to keep everything inside. Talking to a trusted person can help you to focus on things more clearly, to understand even better what motivated you, or simply to find comfort or support in the darkest and most difficult moments.
5) TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.
I will never tire of saying it: there is no better remedy for the pain of a breakup than to start taking full and loving care of yourself again: do the things you wanted to do and for some reason you no longer did. Whether it's reading books you like or are curious about, enrolling in a course that allows your creativity to unfold (creative writing, painting, cooking, photography or whatever you prefer), changing your hair color or taking that trip that you were so passionate about... do it. But also remember to love yourself in the little things: speak with sweetness and understanding to your wounded heart, pamper yourself with healthy and pleasant foods, do yoga, walks, relaxation... everyone has their own methods but the important thing is always the same: take care of you, your feelings, your pain, your dreams for the future. And keep a journal in which you write down your reflections, your plans and your healing journey.
CONCLUSION
This is the life; pain, like joy, is part of it and we cannot exclude it from our lives or pretend that it doesn't exist. So let's accept the fact that sometimes our experiences lead us to suffer and that this is okay because it is part of our growth and emotional maturation journey.
There is no magic formula to quickly overcome the suffering associated with the breakup of a relationship (whether toxic or not), nor to make things last forever. The best thing you can do then is to accept your sorrow and fears and let them go, letting go of attachment to something that no longer serves you.
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